I think I figured it out

Lately thing have been blah.. I just thought I was in a general funk that you sometimes run it everyone once and a while, but I think by going away this weekend and enjoying a bit of the island life and talking to my sister in law, I think I may need be a little depressed. I mean I live my life and everyone in it, but there are some things that I need to work on. Who is Sherri, if I were to ask anyone what would they say ??? There are some things that I want to change about my self not just my health wise, but I need to find a hobby something that I can take pride in doing, brings me relaxation, just something. Another thing that I need to do is have a date night with my husband, I mean that I need to tell him that he needs to be a little more supportive around the house and stop being lazy, I know this will probably cause a fight but when other people are starting to see it, I know I can't hide it anymore. Loving Ryan is not the issue, I love him with all my heart, I just need help. It's to the point I don't like going out. I would rather just sit at home where I don't need to pretend that I am having a good time.i sometimes try and find excuses as to why I can't do something when I am having a bad day,just because I don't want people to ask "what's wrong?"or "are you ok"
I always put on a brave face with a smile but I just may crack soon, if the time has the right moment.....

Its been awhile

Ok ok I know.... I always said that I was going to blog about once a week... Well honestly I don't go one the computer to much because while I am at the day care( that's what we call the office) I am on the computer all day, but now that I downloaded the app..... I am hoping to get back in to swing of things.

Ever feel that there are double standards , well we face it everyday in the day care... Oh but all are treated the same and nobody plays favorites, well bull shit bitch I know you do, trying to help someone who cheating the system just to look better can suck it. Little princess Kate Middleton thought she had it all worked out but she was busted and when it came down to it, let's work with her and make it work...NO if it was anyone else they would have been fired.

Sitting my ass on the couch thinking how much I want some chips or chocolate right about now.. But I am have been trying to improve myself and going to bootcamp 4 days a week now since November. Do I see a difference, yes and no, my clothes are a little baggy and slipping off. But I am only down a couple pounds . But I guess inches are better then nothing!!

Things at home are pretty much the same, some data feeling like I get the shitty end of the stick. Cook/Clean/host blah blah blah. Feeling a little down lately I know if I say something it will either cause a fight ( by someone thinking that I am accusing them of not doing anything) or things get better for a week or so then we are back to "normal". Another thing that is kinda sticking on me is, I consider myself a helpful person when I can. I have been helping someone with a financial situation that has come up. Ryan is always quick to help and sometimes he doesn't remember that there are things that I would like to treat myself to. Like I a mentioned before I have been needing new clothes, wanting to get my hair professionally straightened for the last 3 months. Summer is coming up and I have no spring/summer clothes that fit. I wanna do something for myself I work hard for my money and right now I just feel that I can't because "we like to help people" ... Please don't get me wrong I like to help people but lately I feel that we being taken advantage of., we always help help help , but when we need a small favor .... Nobody is there!

Who's your Mama.... NOT ME!!!!

Are you freaking kidding me, I just don't know where to start. I have been feeling lately that I live with Lazy and Lazier. Once again I will say ( I feel like a broken record sometimes) I love Ryan with all my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is my everything! And then there's Danny, I am NoT your wife, I am NOT you mom, I am NoT you maid, I am not your Bitch!!!...... BUT..... Come on now. I work a full 80 hours a week, attend Boot Camp 4 days a week, and trying to manage a household of adults!!-- I get up at 430am, for class at 530am, then working a full shift (7-330), come home, run a load of laundry( my gross, stinky workout gear), put the dishes away from the previous night, gather the dirty dishes from the living room, throw away the empty pop cans, the boys come home, have a smoke, start dinner,wash the dishes I just put in the sink, finish cooking dinner, eat, sit for a bit, shower, and off to bed, so I can start my day all over again. According to "some people" cause I don't have a "physical" job I should be as tired as someone who does. You know what I have to say.... Give me a fucking break!!!! Some time using you brain is more tiring then your muscles.

All I ask is for a little help. Hey put the clean dishes away after dinner when you come home, So I don't have to do it when I come home tomorrow ,instead of turning the TV on, or shutting off the radio that I was so kindly listening to, why don't you try to offer a little help with dinner, take out the over flowing garbage bag, empty you lunch bag, so that when I come home from work I am not left to wash you unrinsed dishes that have been sitting now for over 24 hours!!!.

I don't want to hear how slow you were at work that all you did was watch movies, surf the net, and even sometimes have a nap!. All I want is a little help around the house.  Why don't I say something???? Cause when I do, it starts a fight, and I am left crying, upset and hurt even more. I don't want to have to compete with a blackberry or the god damn laptop, all I ask is for a little help you are my husband and brother in law, I
am your wife and sister in law.

WOW i just reread my blog and i went off... it was never my intention to bitch that much, but i feel a bit better being able to get this off my chest.  I do love my husband with all my heart, he is my everything and we have shared so much together that i couldn't imagine my life without him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank god for bringing Ryan into my life, he truly is an amazing person and I have never been happier, I know it didn't sound like it earlier buy if you saw us together you would know that we love each other more then life itself!

Opening Peoples Eyes Part 2

After waiting several weeks as I am
sure you know what its like to get into a specialist, we got the call and our
first appointment, but of course before we meet go and have these entire tests
done again. As time went by our first appointment with Dr Yuzpe (after googling
his name it turns out he is the co-founder of the clinic, and one of the best
at what he does North America) is finally here. The questions start again but
this time we get different answers then what we were expecting. He started to
ask the usual question "why are you here" knowing that I was fine and clear we explained that Dr Pederson said that they problem lies with Ryan
and his sperm. He asked me how long I was on Clomid, 13 months I
answered, I could tell by the look on his face that something was wrong. He
explained to me that the maximum that I should have been on Clomid was 6
months, and what happens to your uterus if you are on it to long was best described
by his exact words.... It dries your uterus like sand in the desert, to dry for
eggs to catch to the lining and for a pregnancy to take place. So now the first
step to correct this is hormone pills to bring everything back to normal. He
then looks at Ryan and says your sperm count is so high that you can probably
get at least a dozen of my patients pregnant. At this point we are both in
shock, good and bad. Dr Yuzpe said that with the way everything is he sees us
pregnant by Christmas (this meeting was in March 2006) so we are so excited as this
would be the greatest Christmas gift ever. We left that meeting with huge
smiles on our face, especially Ryan, knowing that he is good and it
wasn't his fault. There had been a huge brick lifted off both of our
shoulders that we were excited to get the show on the road and have a baby.
Ok so your next round of medications involves injections I
was told.... What I have to stick a needle in me daily, oh crap how am I going
to do this I kept thinking to myself. Ryan and I go for our orientation on how,
when and where, to inject. So I was put on a fertility cycle called Super
Ovulation and needed to start taking Puregon and what this is going to do is
mass produce eggs and allow me to ovulate, and then at that time they will
inseminate Ryan?s sperm directly in to my egg and bingo bango I should be
pregnant. After daily injection for a week and a half, I had to go for blood
work every 3 days to make sure my hormones levels are good and not off the
chart, oh and not to mention the day after each blood test, I need to go in for
an internal ultrasound to make sure that I am not MASS producing eggs as the
last thing we want is another octomom. Things start looking good and my ovaries
are described as chocolate chip cookies, wonderful with plenty of eggs (they
are at a size 12 and they need to be an 18 to be fertilized). I go back 3
days later to check on them again with another internal ultrasound.
Things are looking good still and I am told to go home and wait for my results
from my blood work that done in the morning to see what the next step is.
Waiting patiently all day and the call comes in, Sherri your hormones levels
have dropped which means your eggs are done growing so we have to cancel the
rest of the cycle. I remember hanging up the phone and breaking into tears
thinking to myself how can this be, everything was good 3 days ago, and I have
to show for all that except a band of bruises along my stomach from my
injections and bruises along my arms like a junkie from my blood work. I
had to gather my thought and think about how I was going to break the news to
Ryan. So I called Ryan at work and the second he answered the phone
he knew something was wrong, I broke down again crying and explained to him
what the nurse had just told me, and there was a chock in his throat and asked
me if I was Ok. I told him no, and I was on my way to Langley to see him. After talking about
it for a bit we decided that we would make another appointment to see Dr, Yuzpe
and see what our next step was.

Surprise its Monday

Who can say they enjoy Monday's... I know I can't!!! Its always the same thing at work, you talk to the people you don't necessarily want to, being nice, "how was your weekend?"  Honestly people i really don't care, if I wanted to know then I probably would have called you, facebooked you, texted you, whatever form of communication i wanted to you, I would not have waited until Monday morning.  AND please stop talking to me before i have my morning coffee. Today brought a little bit of a surprise to me.  I got called into the mangers office. I remember being a teenager and being called to the principles office and you get that same feeling, a gut wrench, a feeling like you have to run to the bathroom, the quick scan of the brain... oh god what have I done lately do be called in to the office for a CLOSED door meeting.???? Well it actually turns out that all my hard work these past couple of years hasn't slipped by and people actually noticed, I was offered a position with in the company, still being a supervisor, just not with the call center anymore.  I would be the supervisor of all the pharm techs in the company and work more closely with the pharmacy and the pharmacist himself.  I was told to think about it, but as long as they had my answer by the end of the day....  OMG what am I going to do?  Ok call Ryan and tell him everything, he says go for it. Then i get the  big smile from Shannon... she knows, but how i have only been out of  the office for less then 10 minutes and I haven't had a chance to tell her.  Well Sonia(a manager) talks very loud and needless to say she heard everything, we meet in the bathroom like an episode of Big Brother, secretly wait until everyone leaves and we whisper and quietly as we can, I tell her everything( as I always do) and she tells me her concerns, I think more, ask more questions about the job.  Time is ticking and i can tell they are waiting for my answer.  Thinking to myself , its always better to discuss work on an full stomach, i go to lunch, walk around for a bit, then I meet with Sonia and let her know that I am going to accept the new position, which i find out starts on Monday....WHAT, so soon.  Man its going to weird telling everyone at work that an leaving the call center, but SEE YA SUCKERS, done with your drama, and on to more.  I am sure i will have more interesting stories... hopefully and if not i will visit the call center and hear the stories of the young ones just to make me laugh again.

Shannon, thank you for being a bestie, you always know whats best and when I am ever in doubt you always pull through, there are days at work that I know I could never survive with out you .  You have a heart of gold, a personality of a bitch and a sense of a mean girl and I love you for every piece of it.  You truly are a great friend, and I thank myself for allowing you in to my life...( and you allowing me in to yours).

Ryan and I at Shannon and Ken's Wedding!!

Opening People's Eye's

There are some of you out there that
know our whole story, some a little and some people have know idea. I am not
here to make you feel sorry for us, but with everything happening I want to
make people aware and open some people eyes to their ignorance.
Ryan and I have been together now
for just over 7 years and happily married for 6 of those years. Things have
always gone very smoothly for us until we started discussing our future and
wanting to start a family. Ryan was 23 when we got married and I was 29, and my
clock started to tick tock very loud in my ear, so loud that Ryan and I wanted
to start our family right away. Time after time we hear of our friends getting
pregnant and wondering and crying when it was our turn and asking god, why us, it
was time to do something about it , So We made an appointment with our family
Dr, as I wasn't a person to get my period on a regular basis. After talking to
the Dr. he said to give it 6 months and see if anything happens on our own. We
explained to the Dr. that we had never used any protection and this has been
going on for over a year already. He quickly agreed to send us to a
OBGYN.
We left there both excited to get the ball rolling and make our
dreams come true. When we met with Dr. Pederson we were bombarded with question
after question....why you are here, do you have kids.... Blah blah, she decided
that it was time start the testing. It all started with hormones and ever else
under the sun. . She sent Ryan for a seman test to make sure his count was
normal, When the results came back, she had noticed that I had a low count for
my estrogen and some other hormones, with Ryan his count was ok not bad but not good. A little
discouraged we moved on and started 13 months of Clomid. Every month I would
have to take a pill for 5 days to help me ovulate and we are on strict orders
to have sex on certain days on the cycle. Two weeks after my period end I would
go for a blood test to make sure I ovulated. 12 out of the 13 months I
ovulated, and the one month I didn't it was time for my first pregnancy test,
thinking to yourself, could this be is, already this was quick. Playing the 24
hour waiting game wanting those results, and finally they we in, and it was
negative. A little sad and ready to move on we started. After a couple more
months of this, Dr. Pederson decides its time to check me for blocked fallopian
tubes (I have to go and have a die inserted into my uterus and made my tubes
glow through x-rays)to make sure that there were there were
No tears, and the test came back clears and fine and the
next surgical test was for endometriosis. I was booked Feb 14 to go and what a
day to spend
Valentines Day. So as they day went on I went under the
knife to see if this was the problem, after being in surgery for over an hour,
and still under, the Dr. came out of surgery, looked right at Ryan and
said "Sherri is all fine and clear of endometriosis, so its your fault you
guys aren't getting pregnant.Not knowing of this for a couple of days as
I was on bed rest with Ryan by my side, helping me walk, roll over in bed and
doing everything that a normal person does everyday, Ryan finally told me what
the Dr had said and at this point I didn't know what to do or say
as Ryan was upset and depressed thinking he was the reason. The Dr called to
say that she was going to refer us to a fertility clinic in Vancouver.

Feeling down and out

So many things have been running through my head lately, it seems to be taking a toll on my personality as some people have noticed that I have been “different” this past week, so its time to blog and get some things off my chest, as it’s a way for me to vent

I try everyday to be the best person I can be, best employee, best friend, best sister, best wife.  There are some days where it just seems I can’t do anything right and I am not the type of person to sit there and discuss my feelings I have a really bad habit of holding them in and thinking that I can handle it all on my own, them it bubbles and over flows and I just gets out of control

I know that money is  always an issue with family, I remember as a kid my parents even fighting about money, but unfortunately is something that is a huge part of life.  I guess what really set me off this time is realizing that when I opened up a bill that I pay $100 every month, isn’t making a dent in what we own on it…. BUDGET TIME!!!!!!!!!

I sat and worked on a budget for about an hour, figuring out where our money goes, how much is spent daily and where I can apply this extra money.. extra money what extra money.  I mentioned to Ryan that there are some things that we need we need to cut in half, like eating out at restaurants, Tim Horton visits, and random crap that we buy.   Well all hell broke loose, we got into this huge fight, and all of a sudden I become the bad guy

I can’t take the fighting and I retreat to my room with my computer and sit on face book, and I am accused of being childish, and running away from the problem, and I point fingers, and then the kicker gets yelled at me…. “ ALL THE DEBIT IS IN MY NAME, SO WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT”!!!!   Ok Yes the debit is in your name but I am the sole the reason for it all, and all the stupid fertility treatments we had to go through, all because we want to have a baby.  Well that same night we had a friend come over and had to act all happy and like nothing was wrong, so once again our money issues were pushed to the side and forgotten. Still sitting in debit, not knowing what to do

There is also the main thing that tends to bring me down every once and a while…. The whole baby issue.  Some people know, some people don’t.  I find it really hard to answer when people ask “ why don’t you and Ryan have any kids”…. ( to make a long story, which I will share one day, short) Well let’s see, I don’t have a “normal” body and there for cannot have kids naturally.  I shouldn’t say I don’t have a normal body, I just don’t ovulate, there for cannot get pregnant, so we have spent close to $60,000 on fertility drugs and treatments, to leave us with,, debit, mixed feelings, upsetting news every time a procedure doesn’t work, and of course a GREAT BIG GIANT HOLE IN  MY HEART !!!!!.. ( ok I can’t write about this now, I am at work and don’t need to explain why I am sitting at my desk crying, so I will continue this story very soon)

Work is another thing that is keeping at limbo these days, I try and not let things bother me, but sometimes it just seems that no matter what there are things going on.  Yes I finally got my yearly review and that was great, but now it just seems that because they( the managers) know that if they ask me to do something I will do it, well now everything is being piled on to my plate while others are sitting back and watching me do the work.  I don’t want to say anything cause that not me, I will just do it to avoid the drama, and let me tell you …. This office should have its own soap opera, there is so much drama, back stabbing, sabotaging , it’s just ridiculous.  I mean come on, really you’re going to go to the manager and say something, because the one time I dropped the f’in ball and didn’t do something, cause I was busy doing other crap all day, go ahead, douche bag I can’t wait to you leave and I don’t need to see your acne scarred, UGLY face anymore.  Grrr you piss me off !!!!...There is nothing more annoying then someone, who is your"equal" telling you how to do your job, when in fact in my eyes and I am happy with the way my team is preforming, hence why i loke my monthly bonus, maybe you should look at your team and why you always complain about your bonus...IDIOT

I just don’t know what to say  or do anymore, I think I just need a good ol’cry one day, today maybe the day.  I sometimes feel I can’t talk to Ryan, cause he will just get mad ( see above storey about money), I don’t want to bother my friends, they have their own stress balls to worry about, I don’t want to talk to my siblings as its really none of their business.  Oh well, we will see what’s in store me