So many things have been running through my head lately, it seems to be taking a toll on my personality as some people have noticed that I have been “different” this past week, so its time to blog and get some things off my chest, as it’s a way for me to vent
I try everyday to be the best person I can be, best employee, best friend, best sister, best wife. There are some days where it just seems I can’t do anything right and I am not the type of person to sit there and discuss my feelings I have a really bad habit of holding them in and thinking that I can handle it all on my own, them it bubbles and over flows and I just gets out of control
I know that money is always an issue with family, I remember as a kid my parents even fighting about money, but unfortunately is something that is a huge part of life. I guess what really set me off this time is realizing that when I opened up a bill that I pay $100 every month, isn’t making a dent in what we own on it…. BUDGET TIME!!!!!!!!!
I sat and worked on a budget for about an hour, figuring out where our money goes, how much is spent daily and where I can apply this extra money.. extra money what extra money. I mentioned to Ryan that there are some things that we need we need to cut in half, like eating out at restaurants, Tim Horton visits, and random crap that we buy. Well all hell broke loose, we got into this huge fight, and all of a sudden I become the bad guy
I can’t take the fighting and I retreat to my room with my computer and sit on face book, and I am accused of being childish, and running away from the problem, and I point fingers, and then the kicker gets yelled at me…. “ ALL THE DEBIT IS IN MY NAME, SO WHY ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT”!!!! Ok Yes the debit is in your name but I am the sole the reason for it all, and all the stupid fertility treatments we had to go through, all because we want to have a baby. Well that same night we had a friend come over and had to act all happy and like nothing was wrong, so once again our money issues were pushed to the side and forgotten. Still sitting in debit, not knowing what to do
There is also the main thing that tends to bring me down every once and a while…. The whole baby issue. Some people know, some people don’t. I find it really hard to answer when people ask “ why don’t you and Ryan have any kids”…. ( to make a long story, which I will share one day, short) Well let’s see, I don’t have a “normal” body and there for cannot have kids naturally. I shouldn’t say I don’t have a normal body, I just don’t ovulate, there for cannot get pregnant, so we have spent close to $60,000 on fertility drugs and treatments, to leave us with,, debit, mixed feelings, upsetting news every time a procedure doesn’t work, and of course a GREAT BIG GIANT HOLE IN MY HEART !!!!!.. ( ok I can’t write about this now, I am at work and don’t need to explain why I am sitting at my desk crying, so I will continue this story very soon)
Work is another thing that is keeping at limbo these days, I try and not let things bother me, but sometimes it just seems that no matter what there are things going on. Yes I finally got my yearly review and that was great, but now it just seems that because they( the managers) know that if they ask me to do something I will do it, well now everything is being piled on to my plate while others are sitting back and watching me do the work. I don’t want to say anything cause that not me, I will just do it to avoid the drama, and let me tell you …. This office should have its own soap opera, there is so much drama, back stabbing, sabotaging , it’s just ridiculous. I mean come on, really you’re going to go to the manager and say something, because the one time I dropped the f’in ball and didn’t do something, cause I was busy doing other crap all day, go ahead, douche bag I can’t wait to you leave and I don’t need to see your acne scarred, UGLY face anymore. Grrr you piss me off !!!!...There is nothing more annoying then someone, who is your"equal" telling you how to do your job, when in fact in my eyes and I am happy with the way my team is preforming, hence why i loke my monthly bonus, maybe you should look at your team and why you always complain about your bonus...IDIOT
I just don’t know what to say or do anymore, I think I just need a good ol’cry one day, today maybe the day. I sometimes feel I can’t talk to Ryan, cause he will just get mad ( see above storey about money), I don’t want to bother my friends, they have their own stress balls to worry about, I don’t want to talk to my siblings as its really none of their business. Oh well, we will see what’s in store me
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